to all my dear camino family, and if you are reading this, that means you!  as this magnificent year comes to a close, i find myself thinking about all of you .  this year was great in so many ways.  some of you i just met, and some of you our friendship deepened.  i felt so supported by my friends and family in america while i walked the camino and that feellng has never really left me.  like the voice that i heard when i first looked back as i climbed o'cebreiero and saw the valley in all its beauty lying there smiling at me "i was here all the time", i feel like that is true of you too.  you were there all the time, weren't you?!  and i didn't always take time to notice, or maybe i thought that i didn't need you.  well i may not 'need' you now, but i sure do appreciate you!  and it is a wonderful feeling that i carry with me now, one of being supported in everything that i do.  i am once again writing under a tight time constraint-this time i am at a new year's silent meditation retreat and asked to use my roomates computer and have about 10 minutes.  so this will be going out without so much as a second glance so i just have to cross my fingers that it makes sense!

the other morning i was sipping my usual cup of morning tea-organic yerba mate tea with soy milk-when i thought to myself, "this is the best cup of tea ever!"  as soon as i thought that i remembered thinking the exact same thing on the camino, as i sat in a bar or cafe somewhere along the way sipping a cup of black tea with steamed milk!  i remember it so clearly, and i remember thinking that it was so delicious that i might be disappointed with my tea when i got home.  and while i would sip that incredibly delicious, hot, steamy, yummy tea, i would smile because one thing that i was worried about before i went to spain was how i would start my days since i don't drink coffee, and i doubted that i would find my organic yerba mate tea offered there.  i considered bringing tea bags for the trip, which is what i do when i travel here, but on the camino, i decided i would open my mind and heart to new experiences, and that would include tea.  that attitude has left me without any regrets from the camino.  i drank things i wouldn't have usually drank, i ate things i definitely wouldn't have usually eaten, and i opened my heart to every person that i met, with no regrets at all.  i wonder how often i limit myself in my life by thinking that whatever i already have is the best, so i am not open to something new.  if i hadn't opened myself to allowing that there might be some other morning drink that would be as good as my usual yerba mate and soy milk, i wouldn't have discovered the amazing tea with steamed milk.  when i first got home, i actually brewed black tea and drank it with heated soy milk, trying to recreate what i had enjoyed so much in spain.  needless to say, it wasn't the same.  it was good, but it wansn't that transcendant sweet nourishment i loved to order in spain.  so i went back to my yerba mate and soy milk, nervous that maybe i wouldn't like it anymore, and yet, there i was, just last week, thinking that i was having the best cup of tea ever!  when we open our minds and our hearts, spirit loves to amaze and delight us, whether it is with tea, friends, in our finances, careers, you name it.  and for me, what opens my heart the quickest is gratitude.  just being able to be thankful in every moment seems to unblock the bounty that is so ready to pour forth a blessing in my life. 

so my friends, i hope that you have some cup of special something that you think is the best ever!  please enjoy it today, right away, if you can, and even as you recognize it as the best there is, allow your heart to open to that you can be delighted by something even more wonderful to come your way
peace and blessings-
a

i was singing in the choir yesterday as part of the graduation ceremony for agape's ministerial and practitioner culmination and i heard something very profound (that happens alot at agape).  when the practitioner was speaking on behalf of his class about what his experience has been, he talked about the first time he came to agape.  he said that he walked in the door and realized that this was his future, this was the new, clear direction his life was now following.  he turned around to wave goodbye to his former self, knowing that who he used to be was not going to be who he was becoming. 

that comment, that image struck deep in my soul.  'that's it!" , i thought!  that is why i have been having so much trouble getting back into the swing of things here.  i have been trying to fit into my old self, my old ways and patterns, instead of waving goodbye to the old me and letting who i have become re-enter my old life.  so many things are the same, obviously: my husband, my dog, my home, my friends.  it is only my self that has changed.  and that self is great!  it is wonderful, opened up, happy!  it just cannot fit into any other self but it's own.  so in that very moment, i waved goodbye to my old self, and let my new self inhabit my life.  i feel more adjusted, happier, more myself. 

it is interesting because i have listened to some music since being home.  even though my husband has loaded a million songs onto the ipod, the only one i had much interest in hearing was an old wallflowers tune.  it's 'one headlight', and along with being the inspiration for naming my dog cindarella so many years ago, it has the line that has fascinated me these last couple of weeks:  "i haven't changed, but i know i'm not the same".  it was such a strange experience when i would see my friends and they recognized me so easily-i felt that i had changed, but i knew that i looked just the same.  of course, it would have been terrible if no one had recognized me, but it was a trippy feeling, knowing that i looked just the same, even after such a massive adventure like walking the camino.  it reminded me of years ago, when i had my accident.  i was laid up and couldn't do anything, and felt like i was having a complete identity crisis, wondering who i was now that i couldn't dance, couldn't teach my aerobics class, couldn't even take care of myself.  'who am i' i would spend hours wondering.  but when i talked with my friends, they had no problem recognizing me, knowing who i was.  it was a very good lesson in the concept that who we are is eternal.  who we are is spirit more than flesh.  who we are is more than the sum of what we can do in this trhee dimensional world.  

so i am happily living as my new self in my old life, and loving every minute of it   the angst, the frustration, the confusion and even the physical pains i was having have fallen away.  although i feel homesick for the camino and my camino friends, i know that i enjoyed every minute-no, every second of it!  i savored my camino and that memory is alive and well inside of me. 

peace and blessings-
a

being back has been more difficult than i could have imagined.  i never thought about the possible challenges associated with returning to my 'regular life', so i have been totally surprised.  i thought i would come back, and jump right back in to seeing people, doing all the things i used to do, handling all the details that are part of modern day living.  not so fast!  almost everything has been difficult in one way or another.  this is not to say that coming home has been bad-no no no!  i am so happy to fall asleep each night and wake up every morning with my husband and with my dog, i am deliriously happy about that!!!  i love my towels!  i LOVE the bathmats!  i have rediscovered the wonder of a bathrobe, inserting a step in between getting clean and getting dressed that feels as luxurious as anything i have ever had in my life!  seeing my friends has been such a sweet pleasure, and just being home has been great. 

but i knew all of that would be wonderful, so i am not surprised by any of it.  the problem, and 'problem' really is too strong a word for it, is that there is so much that i DIDN'T think about.  the noise.  the rush.  the lights.  the sounds.  the demands.  and the decisions.  there are so many decisions to be made, and they usually need immediate attention.  the decisions that i had to make on the camino were few and far between, and i could usually mull them over for quite a while before having to tell anyone of my decision.  most of my decisions were about how far to walk, what to eat, the song or prayer i would sing.  i made those decisions based on how i felt emotionally, or physically; based on intuition.  perhaps that is what my camino is now-how do i continue to make my decisions intuitively while living in this fast-paced, noisy, demanding society. 

all questions, no answers...and here is another one:  how can i feel settled here while living a more settled life than my nomadic camino existence, while simultaneously feeling completely discombobulated, and anything BUT settled?!?!!

yesterday was my first day without blogging since leaving.  of course, there were times when i did not blog on the camino, but that was because there was no internet access (in addition to no electricity a few times).  but yesterday i had access to a computer - my own - but was unable to blog.  i have covered thousands of miles by plane, and dozens by car, and it all just seems to be moving so fast!  i turned on my phone yesterday, but ended up turning it off a few hours later because i couldn't get to it fast enough, then got overwhelmed with answering it, calling people back and texting.  how did i do all of this before?!?!!!  and the noise.  wow.  there is really a lot of noise here.  the noise in the house isn't too bad, but outside the house is full of noises.  beepers, cars, music, cell phones ringing...just the sound of the car is loud, much less driving with a window open, or the radio on.

 i am definitely having some culture shock here.

but it is great to be home.  cotton towels!  bath mats!  and another luxury i had completely forgotten about - a bath robe!!!  holy moly, what a luxury having a step in between getting clean and getting dressed! 

i think the lessons of the camino will continue to unfold.  right now i am feeling very tender, and am trying to be gentle with myself.   i haven't even really told many people that i am home.  i didn't go to wed. night service last night, just wanting to be home, and also, still somewhat on spanish time.   so i did not blog, and am not even sure what to say now.   late yesterday afternoon.  as i was waiting for maggie to  come over i thought about what i would say, or show her.  then i thought what i would really like to do is sit with her in silence.  it just seemed impossible to talk about what i had done, and she has been reading the blog anyway, so she knows.  however, when she got here, we did talk and i showed her some pictures, and it was fine.  but i do feel at a loss for words about the camino.  i wonder if that is because being home means that i am not with pilgrims anymore, but, outside of my friends,  with people to whom i would have to define the camino before even saying what it had been for me.

maybe i am just jet lagged, or maybe i am overwhelmed by all the luxuries.  i mean, really, clean cotton towels, bath mats, AND a bath robe?!??  i left an average life and am coming home to living in the lap of luxury!  i hadn't realized how privileged i am.  a-ha!  another lesson from the camino.

the city of santiago is beautiful, but it seems a different city than the one i left just a few days ago.  when i left, it was a city of triumph, celebration, shared joy and lots and lots of hugs.  it is now a city where i shop, where i buy things other than the food i will eat for the next day, even heavy things that will weigh alot in my pack.   i buy things based on beauty rather than weight.  it is a city where i no longer know 1 in 10 people, but still can recognize pilgrims, but in a general way rather knowing who they are. 

as i walk to meet catalina and alex for dinner, i see a family of a mother and two young boys perched on their doorstep.  one is intently playing his game boy.  the other is just as intent, but with his mother.  she is pressing his nose down with one of his fingers while, deep in concentration, he is reaching his tongue to try and touch the tip of his nose with the tip of his tongue.  i smile at such a perfect moment, such a typical moment, one of thousands - millions - in a child´s life.  it has nothing to do with walking, being a pilgrim.  it is not even specific to santiago, but could be happening anywhere. 

after i meet catalina in the cathedral square (alex joined us a few minutes later) , we are walking to a park where they assure me there is a great view of the cathedral, and it is the best place to see it at night when it is all lit up.  we walk through a small square with a fountain (where the internet camera is) and we can hear loud singing before we get there.  there is at least one local team there having some sort of rally.  it involves singing loudly, then rushing up to someone they know and dragging them to the fountain and throw them in.   loud cheers accompany all of this, and even the police who are there laugh along with everyone else.  life is going on all over, and our pilgrim status has changed.  when alex joined us, fresh from a shower, we all hugged and catalina told him he smelled good.  no longer a pilgrim!  as we saw so many people we didn´t know hugging and congratulating each other we realized our time had passed.  no one was greeting us that way, and we weren´t throwing our arms around anyone either.  it was their time now, just as it will be other pilgrims´time in the coming days, weeks, months, years.  we were now rested,  clean, and not limping or experiencing any pain at all.  we are able to get up from a table and walk away quickly and smoothly, without those first lilttle hobble-steps so characteristic of a pilgrim who has walked all day long.

after sitting and talking with the beautiful cathedral lit up in the background we went in search of our favorite dessert-tarta de queso.  it is misleading to describe it as cheesecake, but that is it´s closest cousin, shall we say.   it is a rich and smooth delight, with a soft taste of cream that is not overly sweet, but insanely good.  they are walking me to my hotel where i am staying with carrie who ate with other friends tonight.  as we walk through the tunnel on the side of the cathedral, we are going backwards from our camino journey of last week.  as we came out of the tunnel, and were along the side of the cathedral i looked up.  there was a huge flock of seagulls flying over the towers.  they were lit by the lights of the cathedral,  from below, which made their wings look even more white against the black of the sky, and the beautiful cathedral was the foreground.  we all stopped and stared in silence, struck by the beauty, our eyes tracing their lazy arcs, hearing an infrequent ´caw´ as the birds themselves seemed to honor the sacredness of the moment.  the moon, a perfect half moon, watched quietly from the side, a still point of light anchoring the birds gliding by.  yet again, my eyes filled with tears.  how fortunate i have been!  how graced!  how divinely led, and how beautifully my soul has been fed!  and it continues.  it continues as i return to america, to my home, my husband, my friends, family...you!  it was a wonderful end to my camino, with nature, beauty, and friends .  how excited it am to continue this camino with you now.  WE get to see the beauty eveywhere.  WE get to see the pilgrim in all.  WE get to throw our arms around each other when we see each other next!  and you can be sure that´s what i will do when i see you!
til then-
peace and blessings-
a

okay, this is something that i have given lots of thought to, and it is a question that pilgrims ask each other quite frequently in finisterra.  it seems like a very intimate question, but by now, we are all past that, i supppose.  and if someone doesn´t want to answer, they would walk away, i guess.  it´s also pretty cool that everyone  takes time to answer that question, too.  there are no sound bites, no quick responses.  it is so interesting to live this way.  fully,  slowly, thoughtfully,  and with care for our fellow men and women. 

so, please bear with me as i try and put my experience into words when words seem elusive.  words seem too limiting.  what i feel is that i want to take your hand and walk you to o´cebreiero, or galicia, or the spot where i spent a coule of hours just looking across the valley because it was just so beautiful.  i want to take you to the spot where my body was in so much pain, and i started feeling so sorry for myself, and didn´t know what i was going to do and suddenly 2 dogs started howling in the most mournful way as if my thoughts had feelings, and it made me laugh and laugh...  i want to take you to pamplona and show you what it feels like when someone takes your backpack just when you think you are going to fall onto the stones and not be able to take another step...and i want to bring you here to santiago, and walk into the city with you as you see first the towers of the cathedral, then pass by the breathtaking side of the cathedral, and then walk through the tunnel that leads into the huge square where you can walk and face the cathedral in all it´s glory...and i want you to feel the hugs of your pilgrim friends as you see them one after another in and around what is now your favorite church in spain, their arms holding you as you both shake with sobs of joy....

what i have learned, and what i have been taught make up my experience.  what i have learned is that limitations are self imposed.  many times i thought i could not keep walking but i did.  many times i thought i could not see anything more beautiful than what i was seeing in that moment, but i did.  i learned this myself, and i was taught this by other pilgrims.  i saw pilgrims helping each other without ´saving´each other.  i saw pilgrims having great respect for one another by letting everyone have their own caminos.  i struggled when i was trying to keep up with others, and when i was trying to keep up with what i thougth i was supposed to do and be.  when i was finally able to drop that and just allow myself to be fre to find what was right just for me, i got better!  i healed.  i was able to go on my way.  my merry way!  then, and only then, could i establish my own rythm in harmony with nature, in a divine dance with the One.

i think i am more flexible now.  i still may have expectations, but i think that i hold onto them ore loosely than before, and i am ready to let them go as need be.  i realize the power of my own thinking and the power of prayer.  i always knew the power of prayer, i think what i realized was the power of the pray-er.  i not only felt prayers, i felt the presence of those that were praying them.  so i now feel my connections forged of love even more strongly and i trust their power and place in my life. 

i can ask for help more freely now, because i know that i will get the job done with help, not have help to do the job for me.  i trust my own strength that way.  i can discern when i need help and when i want something done for me, and i can remind myself that i really can trust myself to do what needs to be done, even as i ask for help.  i hope that makes sense.  as i mentioned, it is hard to put all of this into words.


i trust other people´s journeys more, and i don´t feel that i need to correct, rescue,  or control them.  i trust that others have the strength that they need and are on their own way and can find their own way.

i am more connected with the source of all good, the one presence and power.  because of that, i am tuned in to joy, strength, love, appreciation, beauty and peace.  those qualities feel more real to me than ever before.  they feel like they fill me up more than ever before. 

there are two more things that i have learned, and one is easier to put into words than any of the others:  bungee cords have to be very tight in order to work. 

the last thing i have learned and felt on my camino is that i have an incredible support system of my family and friends.  all the beauty that i have seen is contained in the kindnesses that you show me all the time.  the majesty of the mountains is in your eyes, and the lush beauty of a forest shines through every time you smile.  thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have given to me.  i am who i am in part because of who you are.  and all of us are on our own camino all the time.  so, how was your camino?

peace and blessings,
a

i see a look about many pilgrims here in finisterre, and i saw it in santiago as well.  even before, when i really think about it.  when you look in their eyes you feel you are looking beyond their eyes, deeply into their eyes, and at the risk of sounding terribly cliche, into their souls.  sometimes when you look in people´s eyes, there is a feeling of being held at arm´s length.  that is gone.  there is no arm´s length.  there is no distance at all.  when you look in the eyes it is as if you fall right into them.  when i met misa, a pilgrim lydia has been telling me about for weeks, it was my first day here in finisterre.  i was at the lighthouse about an hour before sunset.  i had been saying hi to the crew who were all calling me by name, when i saw her standing just behind andres.  we looked at each other and she told me her name and we jsut looked into each other´s eyes for a moment.  it was almost like falling into her, like falling into a sparkling crystal well of light.  i know that i didn´t meet her before so maybe her eyes were already like this, but this sparkle, this feeling of shiny brightness, of newness - this is something that i see in many pilgrims.  she was there with william, who i had met before, early in the camino (for those of you who have read since the beginning, i met him when he was telling kim and jenny that he only had one pair of underwear).  when i said hello to him, he had that same look to him and i don´t remember that about him from larasoana.  cata has the same look-her eyes are so bright and shining and are such a crystal clear blue i almost feel lilke i need sunglasses to look at her, she is shining so brightly.

there are some pilgrims who i don´t have any interest in spending time with and even they have a sort of shiny glow to them.  please remember that we are still a rather dirty lot, worn out, and usually in dusty clothes that are often tattered.  this look is something that comes from inside, and it transcends physical appearance.  perhaps it is a force, or power we have picked up by being in nature each day, or by virtue of having walked across a country.  or by living the humble life of a pilgrim for weeks on end.  or all of the above. 

it makes me think about akili´s comment to me before i left for my camino.  it was a wednesday night, my last night at agape before leaving the following saturday and i went by the bookstore to say goodbye before i left.  akili was very excited because he knows the camino, and he will do it himself one day.  we chatted for a couple of minutes, then he said, ´let me look into your eyes. ´he looked silently for a moment then said, ´i will look again when you get back so i can see how you have changed.´ i left wondering how i will change, and how will it manifest, or even if it will be visible.  i am still mulling over how i have changed.  but i know that  if i am like the other pilgrims here, yes, you will see it when you look at me, and akili will see it when he looks into my eyes.

so i will sign off with this, my dear ones- i have made it and i leave this beautiful end of the world tomorrow to return to santiago, and the next day for america.  what  a journey it has been,  thanks to you, and along with you. 
peace and blessings-
a

here i am in finisterre, breathing a deep sigh of contentment, gratitude, and joy.

ias i mentioned, i have been kind of surprised at how tired i have felt now, as opposed to before.   while i was walking i pretty much never felt tired.  i just woke up each morning happy to get up and walk again.  sometimes i would notice that the walking was difficult, like when i was walking up a steep hill, but apart from falling into bed tired each night, i didn´t feel exhausted.  that changed when i stopped walking.  i noticed it the day i arrived in santiago, and especially the next day.  then yesterday when i took the bus here, i really felt it. so after my 3 hour siesta yesterday i got up and walked down to the small beach right in the center of town.  ithere were a couple of abuelas with their grandkids in the water, one naked little toddler running in and out of the water, another crawling with the grandmother holding her hand under her chin so that she didn´t gulp lots of water.  i walked a bit, sat on a rock for a bit, then walked again.  i saw one little boy with his sister, and he had found a flat rock and was skipping it over the water.  he was very good at it, but i noticed that his sister wanted to play with him but he wasn´t interested.  he just kept skipping the rock  then retrieving it, over and over, while she milled about in the water.  i thought, maybe i could find some pretty shell for her or something, and started looking down as i walked.  i quickly realized there were no shells on the beach, but suddenly i saw something sparkle as the water receded...it was bright green.  i bent down, and recognized exactly what it was.  sea glass.  it was a piece of glass that had fallen into the sea and was now dulled on the edges, but still had the bright green color.  sea glass has a special place in my heart because it reminds me of all the walks i took on the beach with my husband when we lived closer to santa monica.  we would walk and collect pieces of sea glass while our beautiful dogs cinda and brody froliced in the water, and chased each other over the sand.  in fact, we were collecting pieces of sea glass one morning when we stopped to sit on a large pice of driftwood that had floated up and was left high on the sand.  we talked for a while, then he started talking about how great his life had been since we met, and handed me a mussell shell full of sea glass and said to me, i have something for you.  i looked at it and realized there was something else in amongst all the sea glass- my engagement ring. 

so sea glass has a special meaning for me, and as soon as i saw that first piece, i saw that i t was everywhere!  i collected it for a while, and then took my handfull over to the side and sspread it out.  there was another little girl who came over to play and we made pretend necklaces out of it.  after she was called home, i realized a lot of time had passed just playing on the beach!  i looked up and there was martha who looked at me at the same moment.   she invited me to come along with her to the lighthouse to see the sunset.  i met martha in santiago, but i had heard a lot about her.  she was another pilgrim, and a favorite of everyone´s becasue she is jsut so nice.  we walked up to the lighthouse and watched the sunset.  it really is amazing to see the sun disappear into a bright red puddle at the end of sight, then disappear completely. 

we sat for a while longer, and jsut as we were thinking about leaving, i heard a familiar voice speaking in italian behind me.  i thought, can it really be, and i turned around-there was giuseppe!!!  we threw our arms around each other and caught each other up on where we had been. he had walked all the way to finisterre, so he had arrived yesterday, too.  i said goodbye to martha and met his friends.  he was with 3 italian women (leave it to giuseppe!) and they included me in the tradition of burning something at finisterre.  they had brought things-one a pair of sweats, one gloves, one a shirt, but i hadn´t brought anything.  i thought quickly, and realized there was something i could burn-i don´t think i will need all those little rolled up pieces of toilet paper that pilgrims must always carry, so i burned those!  afterwards, we drank wine, and walked home, now in the dark.  giuseppe was kind enough to walk me to my albuerge before going to his hotel.  he left early this morning, so i feel very lucky to have seen him on his only night in finisterre. 

i got home around midnight and slept til about 8 or 9-again, very unpilgrim-like behavior!  after meditating, i wondered what i would do today as i left my room on the top floor of the building where the albuerge is.  the woman had shown me the other 2 rooms, and i chose the nicest one-i have my own bathroom, but really all the rooms were nice.  i heard some other people, but sometimes i feel shy so i didn´t know if i would walk over to the kitchen before leaving just to meet them.  as i locked my door, i glanced over at the shared bathroom, and i had a feeling unlike anything i have ever felt before.  i felt both amazed, and as if what (who) i was seeing was the most normal person to see in that moment.  it was kim!  and i knew that where kim was, jenny would not be far away.  i jsut stood there for a moment, until i guess kim felt my gaze, and looked my way.  we just looked in each other´s eyes for a moment before erupting in squeels of joy, and hugging each other over and over.  jenny heard the commotion and came over and our hug got even bigger.   of all the dozens and dozens of albuerges, hostels, hotels and private rooms in this town, we had ended up on the same floor in adjoining rooms, sharing a kitchen.  so you can imagine that this morning turned into a party, and the two french guys that were friends of theirs, and slept in the third room joined us and we had a crepe party! 

i realized that when i wrote about who it was that i really missed of my camino community, it was only kim and jenny that i was still missing.  i had not seen them in weeks.  now we will be spending our last days here together, just as we spent our first days together. 
my camino is now complete, and yet i know that it will always continue to unfold.
peace and blessings to you all-
a