i was singing in the choir yesterday as part of the graduation ceremony for agape's ministerial and practitioner culmination and i heard something very profound (that happens alot at agape).  when the practitioner was speaking on behalf of his class about what his experience has been, he talked about the first time he came to agape.  he said that he walked in the door and realized that this was his future, this was the new, clear direction his life was now following.  he turned around to wave goodbye to his former self, knowing that who he used to be was not going to be who he was becoming. 

that comment, that image struck deep in my soul.  'that's it!" , i thought!  that is why i have been having so much trouble getting back into the swing of things here.  i have been trying to fit into my old self, my old ways and patterns, instead of waving goodbye to the old me and letting who i have become re-enter my old life.  so many things are the same, obviously: my husband, my dog, my home, my friends.  it is only my self that has changed.  and that self is great!  it is wonderful, opened up, happy!  it just cannot fit into any other self but it's own.  so in that very moment, i waved goodbye to my old self, and let my new self inhabit my life.  i feel more adjusted, happier, more myself. 

it is interesting because i have listened to some music since being home.  even though my husband has loaded a million songs onto the ipod, the only one i had much interest in hearing was an old wallflowers tune.  it's 'one headlight', and along with being the inspiration for naming my dog cindarella so many years ago, it has the line that has fascinated me these last couple of weeks:  "i haven't changed, but i know i'm not the same".  it was such a strange experience when i would see my friends and they recognized me so easily-i felt that i had changed, but i knew that i looked just the same.  of course, it would have been terrible if no one had recognized me, but it was a trippy feeling, knowing that i looked just the same, even after such a massive adventure like walking the camino.  it reminded me of years ago, when i had my accident.  i was laid up and couldn't do anything, and felt like i was having a complete identity crisis, wondering who i was now that i couldn't dance, couldn't teach my aerobics class, couldn't even take care of myself.  'who am i' i would spend hours wondering.  but when i talked with my friends, they had no problem recognizing me, knowing who i was.  it was a very good lesson in the concept that who we are is eternal.  who we are is spirit more than flesh.  who we are is more than the sum of what we can do in this trhee dimensional world.  

so i am happily living as my new self in my old life, and loving every minute of it   the angst, the frustration, the confusion and even the physical pains i was having have fallen away.  although i feel homesick for the camino and my camino friends, i know that i enjoyed every minute-no, every second of it!  i savored my camino and that memory is alive and well inside of me. 

peace and blessings-
a